Diary
17 March 2021
I am doomed, but not yet dead. And so we must plod. Night thoughts.
15 January 2021
For the first time in a very long time, I feel something akin to hope. I will try not to extinguish it by smothering it in tinder.
7 December 2020
Refused again. I feel damp and numb. I know I have it in me to continue, I just. Am repeatedly fighting off urges to crawl into bed in a cold defiance, for a week or two. Life is not easy. My doll is supposed to be shipping tomorrow. But today's new has drained me and I don't feel anything about it. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping the past couple of weeks. I don't want to be touched; I don't want to be seen. I want to stare at a wall for awhile. I keep wanting to induce vomiting from the discomfort in food in my stomach, but I'm not going there. That would be a great way to ruin my health further and do irreperable harm to my teeth. I guess I just want quick relief, a lightness after days of dove grey.
30 November 2020
i tell yall WHAT i have been having unhealthy feelings towards my body & weight gain. need to wait until i'm in a more stable emotional state to try and tackle the couple of kilos though, because i don't want to go too far into restriction that i end up binging. have to be moderate.... and it helps to be in a moderate emotional state then. my eyes are so tired today. teeth are good tho. i dreamt last night that i was a temple dancer for a zoroastrian kingdom, my hips and bust and thighs were full, and my waist was small but my belly was soft, and i walked with grace and beauty. the physically and emotionally weak, obsessive shahanshah fell in love with me when i danced, as did one of the kingdom's great generals. but unknown to anyone but my mother, i was dying of a breast cancer that had metastasized to my lungs. i wanted neither of the men; they did not know me, they did not wish to know me, they wanted like a greedy child with no concern for my own desires. i wanted to die untouched.
17 November 2020
Sleeping pill kicking in; i feel....................... the existential. I do think i need something more than the course of cognitive therapy. i have a lot of stuff i feel like i am ready to begin to unpack, so many tangled things. i read some of my old writing and it obviously is far from perfect, very dense, in need of reworking, but.... i think i was able to accomplish some of the goals i had set, re: flaubert's richly textured, decadent descriptions of the environments. so that kind of inspired me. the dizziness is here, but i am still in dread in a blank way. i feel like there is a door with something huge behind it, and i'm casually wondering about it, but i won't know, i will only see the blank door, until i step forward and open it
29 October 2020
trying to take my shape atlast from the dreams that have dogged me through every past /When to my soul the body would say: You may do what you like, as long as you stay.
weeping as I compose placid emails requesting appointments and confirmations
I'm weak but trying so fucking hard. At the start of 2019 I could feel the storm brewing, the tower beginning to creak. And I chose "You will not take my heart alive" as the theme for the year - but it was not reflective of that year's awful theme. It felt like my heart was in fact very close to being taken alive, and I felt powerless against the wave. But after the devastation and lowness, I have once more dusted myself off and made major changes in my life that I feared for years, and this year has been the year of that song - I am so much stronger than I was, but I am also completely aware that of my fragility of mind spirit& body, and must always keep things in an exhausting balance. But I can do it, even if I weep and tremble and my body is wracked with inflammation and exhaustion all the while.
I will not take my heart alive. You will not take my heart alive.
18 October 2020
i'm so easily wounded it's COMICAL
7 October 2020
I feel completely ill-suited to society. But I am asking for help from it, so I am obligated to make a sincere effort to engage with it and contribute to it. I just feel so alien.
22 September 2020
My mom was right, life is just a series of neverending problems that you have to solve. There's always fucking something.
18 September 2020
Denied; then we move to the next step. Alone, alone alone. You can rely on no one else for your happiness, contentment, achievement or self-worth. You are not and never will again be the young woman you once were; salvation shall be an act of ongoing and honest creation. Barren, brutal, cold.
21 August 2020
Spoke with my rheumatologist, met with my physical therapist, met with my GP, everything will be submitted. It should take 8 months. Vague whims move me, small noises enrage me, my 27th birthday is on Sunday. Aesthetic pursuit is sweetest in its remembering, the present is like a dream.
14 August 2020
I believe in my own capacity for bravery! I believe in my own capacity for bravery! I believe in my own capacity for bravery! I believe in my own capacity for bravery! I have to believe in my own capacity for bravery!
30 July 2020
I applied as a job seeker! I did the thing that had caused me so much turmoil and fear for almost four years! I dressed up in Vampire Nocturne and did my hair and makeup, and we submitted it. I honestly would not have gotten to this point if it weren't for lolita giving me a creative outlet and increased confidence. It's saved my life, and helps me believe in my own capacity for bravery.
16 July 2020
I am so much happier than I was last year. I'm apply for NAV stuff soon, which will be the beginning of a new phase of anxiety, but right now I am so so happy from the simple act of wearing a cute coordinate out and about with my husband's family. They are so nice and easy to get along with, by far the most functional family I know personally lol. And tomorrow I will order the new Moitie dress, and then we have the trip to Oslo, where I will have many more opportunities to dress cute and look how I feel.
4 July 2020
So much to say, I guess! I am in a very good mood because I opened a package today with some greatly anticipated items in it - and streamed it live on instagram! And I always get this buzz when I wear a cute lolita outfit and engage with others in the community. It makes me happy to feel companionship with others, to have the ideas and expressions that have caused me to feel alienated by so many people - celebrated instead! To have people seem to actually be interested in getting to know me, to engage in conversation and connection with people who are capable of understanding this side of me.I'm still quite excited though my body is very tired. I actually got tested for the corona virus yesterday (negative!), because I've had dizziness, exhaustion, a low-grade fever and a throat tickle coming and going since June 21st. The doctor's office is closed for another week though, so I'll have to wait until then to make an appointment. Hopefully it's nothing too serious - maybe like a little anemia or something, not like... cancer. It's not cancer. But...
I am thinking a little bit about young beauty women dying. Like the poetic idea - wasn't Poe obsessed with it? I think of Cathy Earnshaw, Lenore, etc. I think of the ideological and aesthetic distastes it entails - why is a young and beautiful woman's death more valuable than other deaths? I know, and you know.
My mood sours. I feel a coward's hideout in my heart, with only the appearance of grit rather than the truth of it. Yes, (to apply for help with money and a job) frightens me. I am scared of going back to last year's abject misery, I am scared of returning weeks of nothing but crying and sleeping and feeling worthless and small because of my health. I am so much happier and more superficially fulfilled now - lolita has been an expensive blessing, but I am a coward with regards to this. It doesn't feel like heroism to be brave, it feels like degredation. It does not feel like self-preservation to abstain from seeking help, though - it feels like selfish cowardice and a weak spot in my character. Moving to another continent for love is something I have done twice - and easily, and gladly! Perhaps I should frame it as something I do out of love - to reduce the stress on my husband, to improve our quality of life. Except I don't think it will honestly improve my quality of life at all, I think it will likely make it much less pleasant and much more stressful and exacerbate my health problems. I'll be exhausted and unhappy and in pain. I still think I have an obligation to try, though.
Stand brave life-liver! I have to believe in my own capacity for bravery, and for growth, and for stamina. Hundreds of millions live more difficult lives on the daily, but I have grown weak in character like my body has grown weak from disuse.
Anyway, I'm selling my lute. Realizing that I did honestly try with my whole heart and soul means something. I am beginning to move past the pain of failure to see the lesson, I guess. Or atleast 'a' lesson. Now if only I could motivate myself to read...!
18 June 2020
To lose oneself momentarily (only momentarily) in the heights of Beauty! Is it no different than the noblest religious life? You can never exist perpetually at the height of it all - atleast while incarnate. Sometimes the focus of these past 9 months feels like a release - sometimes it feels like cowardice. Yes, you can feel the gods, the Divine, at the heights. But that is different from Knowing. Yes, everything pales before that. But gods, what a slog! Is that any different from the slog of life in general though? So much time, but so little. The day is long, but not so longgggggggggggg. To relax into beauty spiritually, while my body contorts itself, wrings itself out, it can hardly bear it all. (And the rattling nib writes / “What did I make?”)
17 June 2020
Had a shit ear doctor appointment but whatever. That's just how it is, I guess. I'm not going to dwell on it.Instead, I'm going to focus on my new dress, Sheglit's Helene JSK! It was on my wishlist as soon as I saw it, I loved how simple but gorgeous all the small details were, from the lace paneling to the dress's rayon blend fabric that shimmers slightly in the light, it's a beautiful dress and my heart feels bouyant while wearing it. This weekend I'm going to be virtually twinning with someone on one of the Lolita discords I'm in with the dress - though she has Sheglit's Velvet Frill dress, which is basically the same dress but with different materials used in the bodice (e.g. more velvet). A little letter from someone in my comm also arrived the same time that the package did, and it was very sweet and really helped me feel a bit better after my shit morning. And I have the weekend after next to look forward to - I will be attending a comm member's birthday picnic, hopefully the weather is in the high 60's, sunny, with a slight breeze...
I have some dark thoughts, some bitter moments, but the peonies have begun blooming in the vase on my desk, and on the bush in our yard. And the only way to go is forward, so (true, mad, deep!) love and dresses and literature and friendship and music and pasta will continue to be enough. For now.
I also finally bit the bullet and bought my ~ dream purse ~, the Moitie candelabra bag. It was overpriced, but oh well. Watch it show up in two weeks for half the price I paid. One of my dream dresses also popped up a couple of nights ago, but WAY overpriced and with a damaged zipper. I'm thinking of selling my lute to put the money aside for emergency dream dress stuff. What a symbolic action that would be. I guess since the thought makes my eyes tear up I'm not ready for it quite yet. Nor have I completely stopped paying on Patreon for one of my religious things. I do wonder when religion will return to being my primary focus. It's an eventuality. Until then - frills! Sorry this is so poorly written to anyone who happens to read this.
13 June 2020
I have a lot to say, but it's bedtime.
2 June 2020
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh people!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I'm motivated to make my own thing atleast partly by butthole-ness, resulting from my feelings genuinely being hurt by no real effort made to accomodate/plan for my physical disabilities, but she doesn't seem to understand/empathize with that because EVERYTHING IS PERFORMATIVE AND ABLE BODIED PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT DISABILITY UNLESS IT PERSONALLY AFFECTS THEM which is just the same way all priviledges work. I'm just bummed out that when I asked for further clarification and planning for if the weather isn't good for the ~official ILD meet ~ so I can actually figure out if I can participate, no one says a word and she just says "I really want a picnic :/"! And it's not like she hasn't planned multiple meets that were impossible to attend for me because of my limited mobility, which no one has ever said a word about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But as soon as I try and plan something I can participate that she cannot (because she'll be at a meet that I cannot attend!!!) suddenly I have to consider her feelings on the matter when she didn't consider mine - I don't dislike her! I like her just fine! She seems perfectly lovely, if shy, but like. Goddamn. It's just so typical for disabilities to be completely forgotten about by otherwise ~woke~ people because they have literally never had to consider it - or worse - it's just inconvenient to try and find a solution so a disabled person can join in.
31 May 2020
The afternoon tea was really fun! After years without really having friends nearby, I had really forgotten how fulfilling human connection can be, and why it's so important. I feel so lucky to have joined such a warm and welcoming community, and I'm really happy that I've been able to make friends so quickly with many of them.The only bad thing is that seeing myself in pictures other people have taken is so fucking uncomfortable, I hate how prominent my nose is and how easy it is not to notice small details being off in photos, like my bustier needing to be tugged up and stuff ;_; I guess it's not even that I'm ugly, when I look at the pictures more objectively, I just look so different in them compared to my own perception of my face. My nose is even more prominent than I think of it as being, and the lower half of my face is heavier.
Even though I was really tired yesterday, I'm relieved I didn't have a flare today like I did after the last meet. Here's to hoping that next weekend is just as fun!
26 May 2020
just kind of sitting around waiting for saturday.
25 May 2020
At the slighest disagreement with anyone, I just like... throw up my hands see it as proof that I can trust and rely on no one to fully understand me, and that man is born alone and dies alone and the only authentic source of meaning is total dedication to my singular vision (or total dedication to religion, which I don't seem to be physically equipped to handle lol).In my research today, I came across Edgar Allan Poe's poem 'The Conqueror Worm' - and what a vision! What a phrase! It seems he borrowed it from an earlier poet, but that's how art works. DEATH, THE CONQUEROR WORM.
24 May 2020
Wasn't nearly as productive this week with my research, as I was in a lot more pain this week and trying to rest up for the Moitie tea party I took part in today. If I'm being honest, it was nice but not nearly as fun as real-life tea parties - which is to be expected. I think they would be improved by smaller groups, maybe of 10 or 15? Because 20 is quite a lot of people when you've never interacted with any of them; there was one girl who never even introduced herself, much less spoke at all. I'm also a bit self-centered saying this, but I'm a lot more personable and charming in small groups. They really missed out B)But still, it was fun! And I won Andrea's choice for best coord... along with someone else, so we had to share the prize since she couldn't decide between us, but still. I think wearing the corset also helped my slightly dislocated rib that had left my left shoulder useless for like 2 days. It's not 100%, but I can actually pick stuff up now lmao. Vanity is my new physical therapist.
I don't really know how I feel. I was quite dazed from drinking a lot of caffeine and not eating and doing full hair and makeup and coordinate, and then once I post my coordinates on social media, it's like this physical haze in my mind? I'm just fuzzy and blank. Going to have to restrict my intake moderately this week if I want to fit comfortably into my bustier next weekend.
Sometimes I feel like people I interact with a bit online in lolita communities secretly dislike me, or find me boring or... I guess not even unlikable or boring, rather I feel like there's an 'in group' in the servers and I'm not in them, and that means people are a lot less interested in interacting with me. But I also know that insecurity can totally warp ones perception of reality, so I'm just gonna chill.
My in-laws are also our landlords. They're going to redo large portions of the house - yay! But that means tearing down the wall between the kitchen and dining room, turning it into an open kitchen, which I'm really not looking forward to. We'll have a new kitchen fan, but we really do cook a lot of spicey meals, and I don't want the whole house smelling like that. And then there's the fact that one of our cats is incredibly smart, incredibly determined, and incredibly food motivated. Keeping the doors locked and/or taped up is the only way to keep her out of the kitchen, and when it's open it'll be.... a huge pain in the ass, physically and mentally. I guess I'll just use it as motivation to save up for our own house even quicker...
18 May 2020
I watched four different vampire films last week. I've slowly been reading a big ole book on gothic literature, and have been trying to figure out how I want to approach the characters and settings. I've signed up for the Moitie online tea party this Sunday, and I have a pretty incredible coord planned... I also got invited to a smaller, private tea party with some of the girls from my comm for the weekend after next, and I'm so excited! The weekend after that is also ILD, so I get to have three fun lolita weekend events in a row!Periodically annoyed with 90% of people. I just realized Flaubert felt like this often. God, people really are fucking idiots. Myself included.
10 May 2020
I have had a few plans percolating in my mind these past weeks. I am finally feeling capable of beginning - I have to strike while the hammer is hot. I'm going to start on a series of short stories, or novellas, not sure which yet, based on a dream I had well over a year ago. In it, I experienced a few scenes from three different lives, all of whom served as a blood bank & companion to a male vampire. Let me think - I remember a woman who played the piano so beautifully, and planning with the vampire how to move out of our quarters - ornately decorated, gray with dust and crumbling, the foundations of the old old building sagging, completely collapsed in some spaces.I will not damn myself to the fate of being nothing more than my loved ones' lapdog, bringing no more to the world than a family pet does. I must teach myself over and over again not to act with reference to the expectations and tastes of others. I must be true to my self and vision, even if it's awful and unpopular with everyone else. Authenticity of self, purity of vision. Flaubert take the wheel lmao
5 May 2020
My waist measured in at 68cm today! Which means that, since November, I've lost about 8cm on my waist. I'm really happy with my progress, I'm starting to finally feel familiar with my body again. It's not quite there yet, but I'm gently returning to the size I was before I became ill, which was very comfortable for me. Except for the low blood pressure I guess, but... worth.I have been unproductive lately. Life seems to drift by, a series of stretches. Contemplating designing a ~zine~ about vampires, just for the creative exercise. Also thinking about starting to work on that series of short stories/novel comprised of short stories of that dream I had... I guess I might as well?
27 April 2020
zzzzzzzzz life in the vivid dream
22 April 2020
Even this does not show behind the veil, the veil floats in the winds of chance. And behind the veil, like in the temple of Tanit - the core of me, the sheaf of wheat, illuminated after the long night. Lovers will always have some space where one ends and the other begins - and so I will always be alone. No one will ever see behind the veil, even if I wanted them to. Perhaps the distance between the veil and the temple entrance is a greater distance for me than for others. I think that's one reason why I identified so strongly with Salammbo, the eponymous protagonist of Gustave Flaubert's heady orientalist fever dream of a novel. I've read criticisms of it stemming from how Salammbo - and, I suppose, Matho and some others as well - seemed to act without discernable thought behind their actions. Critics write of how there is this abyss between the modern reader and the 'pagan' characters, something Flaubert discusses wanting to illustrating in a letter:"The melancholy of the antique world seems to me more profound than that of the moderns, all of whom more or less imply that beyond the dark void lies immortality. But for the ancients that "black hole" is infinity itself; their dreams loom and vanish against a background of immutable ebony. No crying out, no convulsions - nothing but the fixity of a pensive gaze. Just when the gods had ceased to be and the Christ had not yet come, there was a unique moment in history, between Cicero and Marcus Aurelius, when man stood alone. Nowhere else do I find that particular grandeur."Now, that is not all that realistic an understanding of the ancient mind - for all the different minds there were. The Neoplatonists would certaintly not have said the gods had ceased to be, nor would the Egyptians. It is an idealized, orientalized vision - but one with which I identify with. There is the still, cold mirrored flint of immutable ebony where the 'me' of me rests in the innermost chamber. Anyway, like I said - Salammbo. She worships, she cries out, she burns cinnamon in pearls while the doves coo around her - and none seem to understand her! She acts and behind her actions is that ebony and that fixed pensive gaze. And that is what it feels like to interact with people, for me? Like even in this little diary, the things I choose to mention, the briefest images and the spare thoughts - there is much more thought and reason and a great deal more feeling behind these comments, but I cannot or do not want to show it all. It is with the me of me, and it always will be. The gods alone may pull back the veil.
Lolita allows me to illustrate this.
21 April 2020
I have a good amount of work left I'd like to do on this site. I need to retake pictures of items for my wardrobe, and continue updating it. I need to fiddle with the layout and get the updates box working properly. I need to add a couple of coords to the diary. I need to continue refining the gothic aesthetic page til it actually reflects what I'm going for. And I finally made a page to hold my first proper aesthetic ramble, which will be an in-depth discussion of AatP's vampire series, because I haven't sat down and figured out the story depicted on the dresses, and I really enjoy the series as a whole - as seen by me collecting them... On that note, I got Vampire Nocturne JSK II in black! Not my preferred cut, but it'll do.Also, all my specialist appointments were - of course - cancelled, and the final exam for my university course was also cancelled, so I have had a lot more free time/less stress than usual. Though I usually have tons of time. Now I just have even more. I was reading a lot for awhile, I need to get back to it. I love AC:NH but I gave myself tendinitis after a couple of weeks, so I still haven't recovered fully and tbh I'm kinda scared to give it to myself again. Siiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my body doesn't want me to be happy, but I'm going to be happy despite it. The weather is gorgeous this week, my husband and I ate popsicles on the porch in the golden light, and I had my first physical therapy appointment in two months. My PT is also a farmer, as well as a scout leader, so I was able to learn of a few other plants to look out for at this time of year for foraging. I really miss meet-ups :(
15 April 2020
i want to howl at the moon
19 March 2020
There are problems I have to deal with on the horizon - specialist appointments, permanent residency bureaucracy, figuring out if I can enroll in studies again this year. But for now, things are good. I got another A on my assignment, I finally had a year-long problem resolved and deleted the tumblr I associated with all those complicated feelings, and tomorrow is package AND pasta day. And perhaps best of all, in 50 minutes Animal Crossing will be playable. I am going to appreciate this lovely bit of time and recharge myself in preparation for the stresses of the future.
17 March 2020
Today was a good day! My husband worked from home, I finished the first draft of my essay, I won my first religious victory in Civ 6, I made yummy food, and had a good chat with a friend. Looking forward to Animal Crossing, making penne alla vodka, getting a few things in the mail, and the arrivals of spring's flowers and mushrooms.
16 March 2020
I've been largely homebound for 4 years now, so I can't help but feel a little bitter when I see people complaining about their temporary quarantine. But it's not healthy to dwell on my inability. And in some ways it's been a little inspiring/motivating to see how people are using their new free time. It helps me appreciate that even if I can't do 95% of the things that would give my life meaning, I do have plenty of time to myself. I'm going to go read a little bit of poetry and then sleep. I've had a weird week emotionally.
8 March 2020:
I had a wonderful time at the teaparty last weekend! Besides that, though, I've had a few thoughts on my mind lately. I am sure there are plenty of people who find me unattractive, just like there seem to be atleast some who think I'm cute - my husband and I have very different experiences of my face, I think. But anyway, I just really don't think my features photograph well? And it's so jarring to see myself in photographs - I remember how shocked I was when I was like 18? And I saw myself speaking in a video for an extended amount of time. The way my face and features moved as I spoke was so different to how they look frozen in photographs. Sometimes I feel a bit like a Borzoi with my long thin nose lmaooo but that actually makes me feel better because Borzoi are so weird and cute and elegant. Which I guess is as good a look to lean into it as any? My body betrayed me at a much earlier age than most people's, but there's something different about finally starting to see yourself age as a woman? A different sort of devastation if you haven't really developed a healthy self-esteem.
One of the nice things about WoW is that it really is... a form of oblivion. I had been feeling so guilty and useless when I wasn't doing anything reasonable with my time (even though I was like 90% of the time exhausted and in pain and in need of rest for my body and mind and forcing myself to read or clean would have been counterproductive). But when you are immersed in a video game, time passes without anguish in the short-term. I'm sure once the fun wears off I'll be like "oh nice another 3 months of my 20's has passed without me getting any closer to my goals". But I guess it's better than last year. What a change! 2019 fucking sucked lol.
One last thought: I am frustrated with my outfits. I've only been actively building my wardrobe for 6 months - and I've spent way too much loooooool but uh - I am frustrated by tendancy to prefer simplicity. I am going to be making a conscious effort to experiment more with textures and layering. But first I have to get items that help with that...
21 February 2020:
Sensitive and irritable and easily wounded most of today. Very aware of some of my flawed thought & behaviour patterns that I return to as soon as my mood declines, and I am ashamed of it. Feel acutely aware of many things. Going to get my hair cut tomorrow, hopefully this time I can get bangs that look more like I would like them to. I like the hairdresser I went to last time a lot, but she insisted that I get air bangs instead of the more traditional style I had shown her pictures of her. And it just doesn't work for me.Anyway, next weekend is a teaparty, which I am very much looking forward to! I'll be wearing my new Krad Lanrete set, and will get to meet a few new people.
12 February 2020:
Got an A on the essay, which is a relief. The two essays before that were frustrating experiences, because I felt like there was a disconnect between what the essay prompt & guidance was, and what my tutor was marking me on. On another note, I'm excited to make a specific work-intensive but incredibly delicious pasta for Valentine's day. After that, I need to get back to intermittent fasting and calorie counting because I think I've gained back a couple of the pounds I lost, and I want to get down to a 65cm waist by the end of the year. I started playing WoW again with my husband, which has been fun, though my muscles/tendons/joints are finding it hard to keep up with all the gaming. And I feel annoyed with myself for getting out of the habit of physical therapy and reading a book a week - I will look back on my day, my week, my month and feel disappointed with how I spent my time. The reason I am so enamored with vampires is because time terrorizes me and I cannot make my peace with it, and vampires represent the ideal alternative to being at peace with death - infinite time, enormous wisdom, extraordinary sensitivity to Beauty (not in appearance, rather in the an appreciation for Beauty with a capital B refined over lifetimes in a way no human could ever accomplish). I feel like I am in a period of moral and physical decline, and I feel shame for shrugging off my religious responsibilities so completely these past 6 months.